Saturday, April 01, 2006

Ah.. The Good Old Days..

Click on the picture taken by my husband (who's a photographer at heart!)to read the rules of a 1920's hospital in a mining town in Tennessee..

Oh how I wish we could go back to the days where medical professionals were in charge and didn't have to worry about having to make everyone happy. For this day and age, this sign should also read..

1. Don't ask us to update EVERY single person in your family on the condition of your loved one. Pick ONE spokesperson and go to them for updates. This spokesperson must be cleared by the patient, considering HIPPA rules. We know it aggravating, but we have to abide by the rules or potentially pay thousands of dollars in fines.

2. Please do not bring children under the age of 12 to the hospital. Special exceptions will be made on a case by case basis based on your loved ones condition. If you MUST bring your infant or toddler to this hospital read the following...
This area is full of lethal germs that are mutating almost faster than we can keep up with shouldn't let your children crawl around the floor and play on or near the biohazard cans in the rooms. And for the love of all that's holy, DON'T pick up yours child's binky, bottle, toy, etc.. and put it back in their mouths after it's hit the floor!!!

3. Please follow your healthcare professional's orders. If you don't want to take your medicines, listen to our advice, eat what YOU ordered from the cafeteria, stop smoking etc.. Please leave our facility so that others who truly want to be helped can have your bed. This doesn't mean go straight to the emergency room and clog up our system with trivial complaints either.. Go to your primary during the week instead of just dropping by.. They'll be glad to see you..

4. Don't snap your fingers, whistle, throw things, or yell in order to get a nurse's attention. We can hear you.. we're just ignoring your three year old behaviors.. Stop acting like that and use the call bell appropriately and we will come and help you. This DOES NOT mean ring every 2 minutes for trivial things. No, we cannot sit there and keep you company the entire shift, that's for family to do.. As much as I love spending time with you, I also have several other patients to take care of as well.

5. Please remember when your doctor says that you can go home, it doesn't mean right that minute. This means your primary doctor, not the consulting.. They don't count for discharges. Stop hovering by the door while scowling at the nurse. It won't make us move any faster because we are waiting for the chart and need to write up your paperwork. It took you a while to get in here didn't it? It's going to take a while to get out...

6. Please understand that you cannot be discharged before the doctor's get your test results, especially cardiolyte stress tests.. If you leave before we know what's wrong and you die in our parking lot??? The paperwork is horrendous!!! Besides, it doesn't look good to have people dropping outside where others can see you. It scares them away...

7. When you leave our facility, please buckle up.. It's not nice to break what we have just fixed in an auto accident when it may be avoidable. And for God's sake!! Buckle up your children. If you can't follow this rule, there is an adoption agency just around the corner where there are several people who would love to cherish a child more than you do.

8. Please don't light a cigarette with an oxygen tank connected to your face. Digging melted plastic out of your nose will not be pleasant. Besides, not having eyebrows really isn't attractive. Also, others will appreciate not being blown up..

9. Don't forget to pay your bill.. The privilege of healthcare is not cheap. I've been in tight spots myself but managed to pay few dollars at a time to pay off my bill..

10. Finally, Have a Nice Day!!

The above post is a total satire. (Well, some of it is..) For goodness sake, don't take offense. You know that you think some of this stuff and wish we could say it out loud. I really love nursing and spend a lot of time with my patients. I really do care about them a lot..

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