"How are you today?" (says your favorite nurse practitioner student)
"Not too good. I've been trying to go the bathroom for the last 4 days." (Not what I wanted to hear..)
Call to doctor and orders given for 1/2 bottle of Magnesium Citrate (bomb in a bottle)
Four hours later after many attempts and lots of gas... still no results.. on to plan #2!!
"Honey, do you need me to see if there is any hard stool in the way keeping you from going to the bathroom?"
"I'm so sorry you have to do this but yes! How can you do this for people? Doesn't it just disgust you?" she says.
"No sweetie." (to my 80 something year old patient)" I don't want you to be in pain and since you've tried so hard, it's time for me to help."
All my favorite female patients are honey and sweetie. I don't call my male patients that though. Some may think this is not appropriate but who cares?
I go and get the KY jelly and tell my fellow nurses where I will be and what's going on. Groans and moans commence.
"Poor NP student!" they say. "Take one for the team!"
In goes the gloved, gooed finger and I hit VERY THICK poop, not hard though. Good sign!
"Oh, how can you do this stuff! Are you sure it doesn't bother you?" she groans.
"Nope!" as I continue trying to disimpact the spackle from her butt.
"Honey, what have you been eating?"
"Lots of oatmeal. Why?" she asked.
"Well, you sure have a lot of oatmeal up here!"
She laughed. At least she has a sense of humor!
"Okay, let's get up on the bedside commode for a while and see if anything wants to move."
A large BM commences. Pay dirt!!! I do my famous poopy dance!
As all nurses know, this is just the beginning of the saga..
After two more large formed BMs.. the call bell rings..
Frantically she calls, "I have to go again, come quick!"
Of course no one is around and she's getting pretty tired and worn out..
The liquid bomb drops..
"Oh my god! Did I get any on you!
At first glance at my white pants, I say no but..
I look again a little more closely and noticed the splatter on my pants. Not too bad but I tell her that I need to change my pants after I get her cleaned up.
"Oh no!" she says.
"That's okay, it isn't the first time and won't be the last!"
I come back into the room in a little while to check on her.
She says, "Are you sure that you didn't go throw up?"
"No, I didn't. I swear. I have a very strong stomach."
"No, you are an angel with a stomach like an iron skillet!"